I’ll have you know that, in between enjoying the fruits of tequila and waking up in hotel lobbies, I have also learned a thing or two about life, death, blowjobs, and other fundamentally important mortal matters. I have compiled this list and would like to share it with you. Hopefully I will enlighten someone, somewhere.
1. Always leave your (emotional) baggage at home. Travel through life light, carrying only bare necessities and pretty/interesting things to charm people with. Pain isn’t a great travel buddy. Pain should be dealt with in a safe and quiet place, not out in the open where it can conflict with other people.
2. Just a little tip from the boss, if you carry a condom you should also carry a toothbrush.
3. Go slow and feel more. They say life is short, but I promise you that just because life isn’t a fucking four-hundred-year road trip around the universe doesn’t mean you should zip and speed through it. If the path is short, it’ll last longer if you go slowly. Don’t hurry stuff. Go slow, girlfriend (unless you’re in reverse cowgirl).
4. If you want to consummate your love for someone, I recommend you visit a spa resort and do it there. And then order room service, their second cheapest champagne, and then some espresso.
5. What you radiate you usually receive. I’m going to play by the old cliché here, but life is totally what you make it. If you want something so bad, and have equipped yourself with all the right tools for achieving, you will prosper young san.
6. Feeling yourself is more important than seeing yourself. Sometimes it’s better to sink into feelings and sensations rather than appearances. A wise old feminist once told me, if you don’t like looking at your body, try touching it instead. Once you realize how soft and tender your body feels, you’ll appreciate it differently. The way your body feels appeals to more senses than the way your body looks.
7. No matter how wasted you get, always take off your fucking make-up, sister. I am not taking any excuses. You can’t look fresh and pure forever and all that make-up clogging up your pores is going to cost you some fine pieces of ass when you’re in your thirties.
8. If he did a good job, you just always hang around for brunch. Nothing beats a good rumble in the sheets and then some eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice in the morning.
9. Act your age, especially if you’re in your early twenties. You got a lifetime of push-up bras and foundation and stilettos and expensive clutch bags waiting for you. Don’t waltz your way into your mid-years; samba in wearing denim shorts and converses and a flower chain around your neck.
10. Be totally wild. Drink, drink, drink. Dance, dance, dance. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Besides, if it all goes tits up and you have a bad time, at least you’ll have something to blog about in the morning.