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Thursday, March 28, 2013

You, Him . . .and Them

As a woman in my late 20's my search for the right life partner has met many twist and turns, and has even had me engulfed in extreme happiness and pain. I blogged sometime last year about being a single childless women (Single and Childless) and my challenges with peoples perception of my life and dating. Through time my list of want I want in a man, what I expect and deserve from him has changed constantly as I've evolved as a woman. With every scribble, edit, and adjustment to my list one thing has remained the same. He must be childless. I don't care if I sound selfish, but I always felt that, that's an experience for me and my husband to share for the first time together. To be blunt, I want to be his number one. I don't want to be second to the mother of his child, or his other children. This is how I've always felt and this will never change.

This has become harder and harder for me to attain as I get older, I come in more contact with single fathers. I've dated a few, but never had anything serious because I always knew this would be an issue. When I was younger I would say things like "If he has a child, that's someone else in his pockets before me." Yeah, very basic of me, but now that has changed into someone else, having first place in his heart. Yes, I am woman enough to understand that is his family, that's his past relationship, and I used to think until recently it has nothing to do with me and how I feel. I know myself enough to know what I can endure and what I can not. Through my evolution with love and relationships I do know that a man with his own family has a large affect on me, and weighs heavily on my heart. His frustration with the mother of his child can carry over into our relationship, especially, if he doesn't know how to incorporate both situations in to his life without making these two important women in his life not feel inadequate.

I've never experienced any "baby mamma drama" but that's mostly because I've never had long serious relationships with men with children, and to be honest, I would do my best to stay out of it. Yet, I’m learning that it seems a bit easier with men with older children. They seem to have worked out the kinks, and he and the mother of their child have usually come to some sort of mutual comradeship.  There's no right answer or correct way to go about this situation. I do know if you are women like me who doesn't feel she'll get all of her man as she would like, stay away, and remain loyal to your heart and peace of mind, and don’t feel ashamed to feel that way. Nurture yourself first before you even think about nurturing another person or his family.

By: Naima Muhammad Twitter: @Queen_Naima 


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