Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I Hate Your Online Dating Profile!

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Ever look at someone’s online dating profile and think, “I hate you, and I hate your face”?  Not because the person is unattractive, but because their photos are ridiculous, and their description is absurd.  I don’t want to date a guy who doesn't know how to smile in a family photo, or who thinks that the best profile picture is one that looks like a 2001 rap album cover, the prison squat or the arms crossed high above the chest like Dog the Bounty Hunter.  I get it, you’re hard-core, you’ll hurt someone, but what does that have to do with me? You’re scaring me.  Or dude who doesn't like to be photographed, and says in his profile ‘I don’t like taking pictures’.  Well then why are you here?  The only information I have to go by is your picture and the ridiculous things that you’re saying about yourself, so please phone a friend and ask them to help you take a decent picture.  If you look like you want to kill me, I’m not going to email you.  That’s Women’s Safety 101.  If you look like you want to beat me, I’m not going to respond when you email me.  I don’t want to be killed or beaten.  

But I've gotten past your pics because you’re not a bad looking dude, you just don’t know your angles.  So let’s read your profile.  You lead with “I’m so tired of the games”.  You know what, so am I, particularly this one.  This game where you make me feel sorry for you, or I think it’s so cute that you’re being honest, or I feel the need to validate myself through your eyes and say “He’s talking to me! I’m tired of the games too!”  What you actually sound like is a fucking complainer.  We’re all tired, life is hard, now what!? Keep it moving! I’m not trying to meet a dowdy, down trodden doofus who gives life to the things that he doesn't want, instead of speaking into existence the things that he’s looking for. 

Oy.  I’m over you already, but maybe I’m being a hard ass and trying to push my positive spiritual agenda on you, and you’re just here, possibly being honest, possibly looking for love.  So I read on, and you start talking about how you can go from the boardroom to the block, or how dark-skinned men are back in style.  Congratulations, I have thrown my Mac Book out of the window and you owe me an iPad mini.  You also owe me the 4 minutes that I spent entertaining your profile shenanigans when I could have just called my grandma, or my sister again (we think Ashton Kutcher starring as Steve Jobs in anything – a film, a preview, a school play – is hilarious).  The ‘boardroom to the block’?  You mean you can navigate work and play? For real!!! Let’s get married. Shoot me please.  And dark-skinned men are back in style? When were they in and then out?  And now they’re in again?  I don't know, I think the status of black folks in this country has been pretty consistent.  Take that as you wish bro, my point is you've got color issues and I ain't got time.

So I die alone.  I think I’d choose that over a life of prison inspired family photos, routinely affirming the negative, teaching you how to walk and talk at the same time, and reading every book written on the color complex until you’re comfortable with my complexion and yours and how they’re different and the same.  I swear when I logged on I was open to meeting someone new.

By Janicia 

- Janicia is a liver, experiencer, believer living and dating in NYC

Twitter/Instagram @JaniciaF 

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1 comment :

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