Sunday, January 15, 2017

Surviving a loss: A Personal Story About Experiencing Miscarriage

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We were in the car talking about life as per the usual, then I just blurted out why don’t we just start now?!? My husband and I were once again discussing when was the right time to start our family. Initially, we were going to wait a year after our marriage but after doing some research I discovered even with perfect timing our chances of conceiving each month were 20% at best.  To be honest, when I started looking conception, and what I should do to up my chances I was pretty surprised at how much work it ACTUALLY took to plan a pregnancy. Since I was quickly knocking on the door of my 30s I figured time was of the essence. Not to mention, I had been on birth control pretty much my whole life and figured it would take some time for my body to regulate my cycles on its own.

We decided to take the leap and start trying to get pregnant since we had a vacation planned for April of the following year. We would try until February and if nothing happened we would put it on hold until after we got back from our trip. Those first few months I was a mess, not only was I getting used to my body post-birth control, I was trying anything I read to get pregnant. Every ovulation test, every app, every special lube, lying in bed with my legs up, you name it I tried it! I am a Leo, so when we set our minds to something there is no stopping us. However those first three months went by and each month my period came like clockwork, every negative pregnancy test hurt a little more each time. We decided to press pause on the baby making, and we went on a dope ass vacation and had a great time. I came home relaxed and ready to jump back into the goal at hand, making a baby.

Dean and DeLuca

My first menstrual cycle post vacation came as normal and then low and behold in June I was late. Three days went by, then four, then a week and I KNEW I was pregnant. I had textbook like early pregnancy symptoms. Moodiness, fatigue, nausea, you name it, I felt it. I kept taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test and finally at a week and a half late I got that pretty pink second line. It was a friday, right before Midnight, and I was testing for what felt like the millionth time. It was the normal routine, set the stick down set the timer on my phone for two minutes, then try my damndest to distract myself to no avail. I always had the same thought process: “what if this is the time? Don’t get too excited, you don’t want to be let down. I'd feel the excitement, fear, and doubt. Who knew you could feel such a range of emotion in such a short period of time?
This time I looked at the test and there was a second line. My mouth dropped, I knew I was pregnant but to have the confirmation in my hands staring back at me was surreal. I paced our apartment not sure what to do next. I so desperately wanted to call someone, specifically my husband but we agreed I would not tell him this over the phone. He works overnight so I had a long seven hours before he returned home, andI couldn't sleep. I pulled out the package hidden in the back of our closet for months, so happy to finally be able to use it. An infant onesie that had written on it: Hi Daddy. It was the way I had planned to tell my husband we were expecting our first child. I put it in the gift box with the positive test (I put it in a ziplock bag, because who wants to touch something you peed on?!) and left it on the living room table to give to him as soon as he came home. Then it hit me, Father’s day was the next day, what better day than to tell my husband that he was going to be a dad. I held onto my secret for one more day for when he walked through the door Sunday morning. I could not wait to tell him the good news. We were super excited! It was what we both wanted so badly was a child to start our family.

To be completely honest I felt something was wrong from the very beginning something felt off but I brushed it off as nerves. It was after all my first pregnancy and I am a normally anxious person and being pregnant only amplified that. We went on as normal, I had a doctors appointment coming up and just figured that I would have them take a blood test just to confirm the results. I did what I was supposed to do, I ate right, tried to get sleep and a bit of exercise, took my vitamins and just did my very best to take care of myself. I was, after all, carrying a baby. . . our baby. It was so cute the way my husband doting after me, making sure I was comfortable, that I had any and everything I needed. The night before my doctor’s appointment I was in the kitchen with my husband making dinner when I felt something dripping down my leg. I immediately went to the bathroom and sat down and felt something drop into the toilet and with that sound, I felt my whole world crumble.

I didn’t have look I knew what was happening. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and it was. This baby who had yet to have a name, this baby who I loved so much already was gone. I knew that it was the end of my pregnancy. There is nothing you can do to prepare you for what a loss like this feels like. I cried in silence, trying not to alert my husband to the breakdown happening on the other side of the wall. I cleaned myself up, wiped my tears and put on a brave face for him. It didn’t take long for him to see right through me, he has a gift, he can tell when something isn’t right. Even when I can fool everyone else I can’t fool him. I sat on the couch and told him that we lost our baby as I cried in his arms I could smell the dinner burning, suddenly feeling even more like a failure and the tears came harder. I ugly cried until there were no more tears left. I looked at my wonderful husband who had a look of helplessness in his eyes not sure of what to do or say to make this pain go away.

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I went to bed hoping and praying for a miracle. The next day was a blur, I went to the doctor told her what happened, she offered to do a blood test to check my hormone levels to be sure. The following day I got a phone call from my doctor confirming what I already knew, my hormone levels were too low to sustain a pregnancy and that I had miscarried. A whole wave of fresh tears came, hearing it out loud made it feel that much more real. I tried to put on a brave face, these things happen. In fact, 1 out of 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I knew this, I was informed, however, there are no articles telling you what to do when this happens to you. I was lucky, I had a partner who was there by my side helping me pick up the pieces. When we decided to share with a few family members and friends the outpouring of support was amazing! I had other women share their stories of loss with me, helping me feel a lot less alone.

This experience has made our marriage stronger, we had to lean on each other to get through this together. Both coping with our grief together and giving each other space to grieve on our own. I know one day soon we will have a healthy baby of our own but for now, we have put that on hold. I won’t ever forgive our baby in heaven that tested us in ways we never thought possible.

Electa is a self proclaimed foodie. She is a Wife, a domestic goddess, aspiring chef in training, and a Writer/Blogger from Brooklyn with serious Wanderlust. follow her on twitter: @emazing17, instagram @emazing17 and snapchat @Emazing1787 

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