📸 via IG: @stokeskennedy and the photo was taken by Gerry Maravilla.
An important lesson I learned late in life was the need for setting boundaries. Healthy boundaries were non-existent for a lot of my life. I assumed people would know how to treat me based on how I treated them, which has often proven to be false. Boundaries with intimate relationships were often an afterthought, but are presently a top priority in the many relationships I build with people currently.
While listening to the Queer WOC podcast during their Mental Moment with Money segament . One of the Co-host Montique, also a licensed therapist, gives four tips for creating healthy boundaries and sticking to them, and also explains why these steps are essential for firm boundaries in romantic relationships. This was great information that many people may use, here are four tips for creating healthy boundaries in intimate relationships.
- Recognize your own feelings and take time to name the boundary. This is essential in the process of creating healthy boundaries. I myself have a very hard time acknowledging the validity of my feelings, which always results in a boundary not being created. I'm the queen of the brush off; that being my default emotional setting for my life, has been detrimental for many of my relationships. This step os very important to me.
- Convert that feeling into a boundary and write it down. Use those feelings to guide you to create that boundary. If I don't want to revisit those feelings I will construct a boundary as a preventative measure for myself. Also, writing them down makes the boundary real, and gives you something to reference when you revisit where you wrote them. In the age of receipts, this will keep you in line and hold you accountable to the boundary you created for yourself.
- Recognizing when that boundary has been crossed and naming it. This part is just as important as naming the boundary. This is where you show the person you're in the relationship with the boundary you need to be acknowledged. I have an issue with being ignored, so when I communicate I expect my partners undivided attention. People will always test this, and it's your job to clearly make the line known, and enforce it not being crossed.
- Get Grounded. This is the part I plan to use more often in my life going forward. Usually when a boundary of mine is crossed, It triggers an array of emotion and disorder. Money suggests doing things that make you feel grounded so you don't react in negative ways. She suggests deep breathing, focusing on a color you like, eating something crunchy and focusing on the sound. All things to help you get to the other side of that emotion so you may solve the issue of your boundary being crossed in a more productive way.