Friendship: A Story of Reckoning + Remembering
Friendship: A Story of Reckoning + Remembering
Photo Credit: Nappy.co
The pivotal moment when we stare That’s-So-Raven-eyed, predicting an imminent end to a romantic relationship, and in the same breath, realizing that we took for granted everyone who stood unwavering and solid by our side, is one that should not be ignored. It was July 2019, during a birthday weekend celebration in the Poconos, four months prior to the decision to break up, when we laid in bed late one night, eyes adjusting to the darkness, exchanging words that were unbeknown to each other. He made accusations about harmless actions displayed around friends on the trip, something that he wasn’t used to, and was offended by. The truth hit like a swift punch to the gut: we were simply strangers coexisting for years.
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Romantic relationships can go from 75 on a Texas highway to slowly driving through a residential area with side projections of road and houses disappearing only to reappear again, deja vu for miles, before creeping to a definitive stop. The decision to sever ties came four months after the Poconos trip. Everything we stood for as a couple had depreciated over time; there was no building, no respect, no solid core values that tethered us together. Instead, there was stagnation and always more of the same. The relationship wasn’t one that fed the soul, the way friendships did, and soulmate shit should. After spending four years with someone, being alone looked desolate at first within the one window, one bedroom basement apartment, but quickly transformed into sitting in levity and solitude, no longer feeling tied down by the invisible weight that was lifted as a result of the breakup.
We sometimes assume that when we have things, and people - significant others, friendships, and family, that it’s locked in, we have it (or them) forever. Within friendships, in particular, the chunks of time invested and culminated seem so high up and concrete that nothing could contest it. Checking in, or rescheduling time to spend together sometimes seems like a frivolous task. And yet people go to work for who they are into, and care deeply and romantically for, doing whatever it takes to grow and sustain those relationships. “Choosing a man over friends” is sometimes rooted in the idea that “in the pursuit of…” marriage, kids, or simply long term companionship under one roof, raise the stakes, hence the difference in effort.
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However, it shouldn’t be different. Friends help us piece things together before, during and after every life event, no matter how big or small; significant friendships deserve to be watered, too. When friends are silent, in messages, and on social media, especially during a pandemic, the feeling strays from “We’ll pick up where we last left off,” entering new territory, one filled with fear, paranoia and panic. The “I can’t live without you,” iceberg feelings normally hidden below the surface, typically reserved for boos, rise above sea level this time. There were a couple times when friends went silent during the pandemic, heightening the concern about their well-being. We ended up making a pact to check-in more frequently with each other, and as the weeks blended so badly that it was hard to tell where it started or ended, and space was often needed to process individually, the laughs, serious reflections, and all around support carried us through. My sense of belonging amongst friends never flickered, especially as the world seemed to cave inward. In comparison, there were many times when feelings of being misunderstood, or disrespected, however subtle, was a constant issue in romantic relationships no matter what the climate within our lives and world was. And one would argue that you cannot compare a friendship to a romantic partner - the issues that arise are not the same. However, it isn’t wrong to want a strong foundation of humility and understanding. The feeling of closeness wasn’t new in my friendships, but it felt like a level up during the most challenging year of our lifetimes.
After two weeks of staying indoors due to a mandatory quarantine, what would seem like heaven for a certified homebody eventually became a slight case of agoraphobia. The way one's heart began to race at the thought of wearing a mask without the opportunity to aid a situation with a smile, or engaging in activities that were once therapeutic, like grocery shopping or going to the laundromat, was electrifying in the worst way, and created a sense of dissociation as a result of fear. When we can safely seek asylum in the people who love us is when you know it’s real. Post-break-up-blues drives matured into Brooklyn BJ’s field trips, and driving lessons, where we had deep, personal conversations or talked about the unfortunate, unsurprising racial injustice within the country. There is a vulnerability that manifests when we’re reminded of death more than usual, and are forced to think about our own mortality in such a way that is unfathomable.
During a year, and period in history, where we all felt loss that reared its ugly head in so many ways that we were devastated by it, and crushed at the thought of the amount of work we put into securing everything that what once was, this is more a reminder for you and for myself to appreciate the people who see you, accept you, and uplift you, especially during this time.
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